"It's no big deal."
"I'll get over it."
"I really can't complain."
"Other people have it so much worse than me."
When we're experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, our mind goes through the following cycle. We feel the emotion. We ignore how we're feeling. We shouldn't feel sad. We shouldn't be having these feelings in the first place. So many other people have it worse than I do. Why am I such a crybaby? I should move on.
And when we can't move on, we blame ourselves. What's wrong with us? Why can't we just get over it? We call ourselves weak. We berate ourselves for getting stuck on something small that doesn't matter. But the criticism doesn't make the original feeling goes away. It just exacerbates it. We add insult to injury. We end in a worse place than when we started.
The cycle of invalidation doesn't make your uncomfortable emotions go away. It makes them stronger.
That's for good reason. Our emotions are messengers. Imagine a smoke alarm going off. How do you react? You investigate the source of the alarm. What set it off? Sometimes it's a false alarm. But maybe the pot roast in the oven is starting to smoke. Maybe the grease on the skillet caught fire. There's a reason the alarm is going off, and you need to figure it out.
Our emotions do the same thing. They give us important information. My first conference of grad school every student in my research lab submitted a presentation. Mine was the only one to be rejected. I felt the pangs of embarrassment, rejection, and inadequacy. This was before my journey with self-compassion and I was quick to shove these feelings down. Get over it. It's just one conference, it's not a big deal. Get over it.
When we reject our emotions, we reject our ourselves.
It's easy to dismiss our feelings. We call ourselves weak or childish for having an uncomfortable emotion. When I shoved down my emotions in grad school, I invalidated myself. I couldn't control my initial emotion. We all have immediate emotions. We don't have control over these emotions (we do have control of our reaction, but more on that later). They're a part of us and they come regardless of whether we want them. When we call our emotions bad, we call ourselves bad.
Shoving the feelings down didn't make them go away. Grad school was a challenging time in my life. I had no roadmap for how to deal with these difficult emotions. Training to be a therapist but with little emotional awareness. I wish I could go back and give that 24-year-old a hug. And let her know that these feelings don't need to be ignored. They were trying to send an important message. I worked hard to get into graduate school and I wanted to do well. I valued building a strong relationship with my peers. My first opportunity to bond with my peers at a conference disappeared, and I was disappointed.
Our emotions alert us to our values. When we are upset about something, it's because that thing is important to us. You feel rejected when your friends don't invite you to lunch. How come that bothers you? Maybe it's because you really value friendship. Perhaps relationships are an important value for you. If you didn't care about these friendships, you wouldn't be bothered by the lack of invitation. It's easy to embrace the comfortable emotions, while ignoring the uncomfortable ones. But they're all important.
With a little curiosity, this could have been a learning experience. I could have explored why this bothered me, with a gentle inner voice. I would have found values of intelligence and friendship. I would have recognized the normal human need for acceptance and belonging. I could have left the experience with a greater understanding and sense of compassion for myself. Next time you experience a difficult emotion, don't shove it down. Instead, try to approach the emotion with compassion and curiosity. It might make all the difference.
Comentarios