Several days ago, Harrison Butker made a speech that rocked America. And not in a good way. He begins by addressing the everyone in the room, noting that they have the opportunity to leave "a legacy that transcends yourself and this era of existence." He goes on to address the women in the audience who have been told the "most diabolical lies" of everyone. He then proceeds to explain that while these women are fantasizing about their careers and promotions, their greatest joy is to get married and have children. He drones on for a while about his wife's personal experience in her vocation as a homemaker.
To be clear - there is nothing wrong with his wife's decision to be a stay at home parent. I have many friends, male and female, whose primary role is caretaker. They find joy in this role. Their job is both rewarding and challenging, although the pay is nonexistent. No one is arguing that caregivers who choose to stay at home should be forced into a different vocation.
The problem with his speech is the declaration that homemaking is a woman's true calling.
That jobs and promotions are a distraction from a woman's true place - at home, with the children. That men can only thrive when they have women who are willing to accept their place and support them. Most reasonable people will watch this video and sneer. They'll publicly criticize his arguments and call him sexist. Declaring how they would never participate in such a system.
In reality, we hate Butker's speech because it sheds light on an insidious expectation that we continue to perpetuate in America. We can throw insults at him publicly. Meanwhile, we live in a country where women are financially penalized for having children whereas men are financially rewarded. Men experience the Fatherhood Wage Premium when they get an increase in hours and pay following the birth of a child. The expectation being that men will need an increase in pay to support the financial well being in their family.
On the other hand, women experience the Motherhood Penalty.
Hiring managers are less likely to hire mothers compared to women without children. And when women are hired, they are offered lower pay than other women. The implicit expectation is that when women start a family, they will need an increase in time to support their family. Women are often expected to take their children to doctor's appointments and school events. When women care for their children, it is their natural caretaking role. When men care for their children, it's babysitting.
As a professional women in a female-dominated field, I felt shielded from many of these stereotypes. However, I recently had a friend experience it firsthand. She worked for a progressive, social-justice oriented male supervisor. He had always been supportive and valued her professional expertise. She had an odd feeling as she prepared for her maternity leave. And following this leave, her position was given away to a younger woman with no children. Since it was a contract position, there was no legal recourse. Her previous supervisor is likely talking with trainees about the importance of equity and condemning Butker. And at the same time upholding the values that Butker spoke of in his speech.
I see this in my clinical practice. Countless female clients have sacrificed their career for their family.
Women who were exceptional in their job and found great reward in it. When they began a family, there wasn't a conversation about what should happen. The implicit expectation was that they would retire and take on full time caregiving duties. These women love their children and families. But they talk about their previous career with pride and longing. This is a common theme among the women with which I've worked. None of my male clients have lived this experience.
This became crystallized during COVID. This is especially true for young families who have children under five. For these families, only 28% of women were able to maintain their normal working hours during COVID whereas 54% of father's were able to maintain these hours. In many of these situations, there is no conscious decision or conversation about who will make what sacrifices. Larger societal expectations become clear when women are expected to make sacrifices without question.
The problem is bigger than one NFL player's speech.
We outwardly condemn Butker's speech. Yet we continue to perpetuate a society that lives his values. We yell that he is a misogynist, yet we continue to overlook and underpay qualified mothers when hiring. We yell that he is wrong for his beliefs, but we uphold them in every section of our society.
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