You’re out at a party and get introduced to someone new. You prepare your introduction, focused on your career and title. It gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment to introduce yourself as a professional, something you’ve worked hard to achieve. It makes you feel important and successful to describe the work that you do and what you’ve achieved throughout your time in the position. There are a million different aspects of your identity, but in most interactions it gets boiled down to one simple answer – what you do for a living.
We live in a society that is obsessed with achievement and success. Success is often equated with happiness. We look at past and present leaders and praise the sacrifices that they have made. When RBG died, I listened to stories about how she worked relentlessly for change. Times that her husband had to drag food into her office and force her to eat, her passion and determination so fierce that she would have otherwise forgotten to engage in these normal and necessary bodily actions.
Success requires sacrifice
We admire these individuals and see them as leaders to which we should aspire. Sacrifice is viewed as the ultimate ticket to success. If you really want to be successful, you must sacrifice in almost every area of your life. True success requires you be willing to sacrifice your time, relationships, hobbies, sleep, and even your health. As a society, we love stories about individuals who gave up their humanity in order to reach what we consider superhuman heights. And worse, we condemn those who embrace their humanity.
When Simone Biles bowed out of the team and all around events during the 2020 Olympics – she was ridiculed and condemned. During the competition, she described getting “the twisties,” an experience where gymnasts lose their orientation to space in the air. Gymnasts agree that this experience can be extremely dangerous as gymnasts become disoriented in the air, leading to potentially disastrous consequences. Despite her world-renowned accomplishments on the mat, people suddenly viewed her as a quitter undeserving of the medals that she had previously won. Worse – she was seen as letting down those around her. People were asking her to risk her health, and ultimately her life, to continue climbing the ladder of success.
But the ladder of success has no end.
Despite going into the 2020 Olympics with four gold medals and one bronze medal, Simone was expected to continue the path forward regardless of her personal health. Yet it’s unclear what it would mean for her to achieve ultimate success. How many medals would be enough to secure her spot as a complete success? How many achievements and awards are enough?
In our culture, there are no clear lines around who or what is needed to consider someone a success. For instance, you might consider owning your own business and making 100k a year a smashing success. But one day when you’re looking around at what that salary has gotten you, suddenly 100k doesn’t seem like quite enough. That’s because success is a moving target. As humans we tend to look forward to what more we can achieve, instead of looking backward at what we’ve already accomplished.
So what do we do now?
There are a few things that we can do to get out of the never-ending success hamster wheel.
1. Recognize that success is an emotion, not a destination. When we view success as a destination, every moment that we don’t spend feeling successful is a disappointment. If we recognize that success is an emotion, just like happiness, sadness, excitement, joy, and so on – we start to develop more accurate expectations. Forming your first company that pays a reasonable salary might be a success. But getting your kid in bed by their bedtime and getting a full 8 hours of sleep might also be a success. Which leads to the next tip…
2. Let yourself savor your success. Since success is an emotion – it’s often short lived. We might spend a few minutes, hours, or days feeling an emotion before it eventually subsides. When you feel successful, let yourself savor the feeling and enjoy it. You might be tempted to try and hang onto this feeling, but this will only lead to frustration. Instead, savor it when it comes and let it pass naturally. Just like every other emotion, it will come around again.
3. Get off the hamster wheel. Make goals that are congruent with your values, instead of making goals to get that momentary feeling of success. If you value spending time with family – figure out a work schedule that will allow you adequate time to be around those you love. If you want to make a difference for the environment, make a goal to recycle on a weekly basis or use sustainable packaging for your business. Building goals to get a sense of accomplishment will provide fleeting feelings of success. But making decisions congruent with your values will lead to a long-term feeling of contentment.
It's normal to want to feel successful, just don't let it define your life.
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