My Journey to Mindfulness

Most of the people who come to my office, and most of the people I encounter in my daily life have one focus - how can they be happier? They see all of these people around them smiling and happy and living their best life, and they wonder, what’s wrong with me? Maybe if they can get to the bottom of that, they can tap into this secret wellspring of happiness that everyone else seems to have figured out.

When I started studying psychology - I was obsessed with the same question (most of us in the trade come by the profession honestly). I wanted to understand why everyone else had it all figured out and how I could figure it out too. So I entered my clinical psychology Ph.D. program ready to uncover the secrets of the human psyche and the secret to happiness. My program was focused on integrating clinical experiences with the newest and best research in the field. It was the best of both words and I got a fantastic education with exceptional training.

I learned all of the newest therapeutic techniques and their fancy acronyms - CBT, CPT, DBT, ACT, etc. The list is never ending! And don’t get me wrong - these treatments can really help people. But I never learned how to tap into this secret wellspring of happiness - because (bad news) there is no secret wellspring of happiness.

What if we’re all searching for the answer to the wrong question?

We’re all searching for happiness and trying to avoid the bad feelings that make our stomach flip flop. The more we ask ourselves how to find this - the more we drown in our own pool of isolation and brokenness. And this pain that comes with life? It’s inescapable. No matter how hard we try to erase the pain of human suffering - we can’t. And the more we try, the further we fall into despair. Good mental health is less related to any fancy new modalities and more related to ancient wisdom that we have held for centuries.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

I learned all about mindfulness in graduate school - I even taught a group on the subject. I touted its benefits and all of the research behind it. But I never practiced it. Until I was ready to sign up for a self-compassion class that I wanted to incorporate into my clinical work. The core requirement was participants needed a daily sitting meditation practice for at least six months. Being an unrelenting rule follower, I begrudgingly started my practice.

During this time, one of my best friends, and a non-blood older brother, was struggling through a cancer diagnosis. It was a pain that I didn’t know how to bear. It was unfair, and wrong. Someone had made a mistake and now my friend was suffering for it. My daily meditation practice taught me something I never expected - it taught me how to bear the pain and suffering of life. To see the unfairness and stare it in the eyes. Not to shut off the bad feelings. Not to cut out the pieces of myself that were feeling the unacceptable emotions.

Instead I learned how to feel it.

And to keep going even when it felt like I couldn’t. It carried me through my pain and grief in a way that I never imagined possible. It did all of that without trying to change me. The goal of mindfulness wasn’t to be different than who I was - it was to be more of who I was.

I had accidentally tapped into that secret well spring that we are all searching for - only the thing at the bottom wasn’t happiness.

It was simply - being.

Existing.

Feeling.

Without judgment or self-criticism.

With a curious mind and a kind heart.

Coincidentally - that is almost the exact definition of mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn described mindfulness as, paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. Simple words that one could take a lifetime to understand.

This is what I’ll be talking about and sharing with ya’ll. I hope we can built a community of folks who want to do the same. If you’re looking for a place to talk about diagnoses or get advice on the latest and greatest therapies - I’m not your girl. But if you’re looking for a place to explore mindfulness and the ancient philosophies that teach us how to practice being human in its fullest form - then you’re in exactly the right place.

I’ll catch ya’ll next time.